Modern Foundations to Expat Parenthood?
Angela Vitiello, founder and owner of the Expat Parenting Collective urges you to plan not only for the birth of your baby but also for life after your baby is born. By thinking ahead, asking questions of yourself and and your partner and above all listening can enhance your parenting experience and support a healthy and successful relationship. Read on to find out how
Congratulations! You’re pregnant!
Of course, you want to prepare for the birth of your baby, find yourself the right obstetrician/gynaecologist, midwife or doula and maybe create a birth plan. It all makes a lot of sense. But, what if I told you, planning for your postnatal journey is just as important. Even more so as an expat.
Thinking ahead about what life as a new parent will be like and the challenges it presents can substantially enhance your overall happiness and contentment as you transition into family life. Raising your children outside your home country means being isolated. You don’t have your family nearby or a trusted village you can count on in a pinch so it pays to be prepared.
What do you do to prepare for the unexpected as you move into the world of parenthood?
Firstly build a foundation
Building a firm foundation supports you and means you are better prepared for the transition into parenthood and that eases the overwhelming decision making burden you face in the first three months to the sleep regressions and beyond.
But, how do you build your firm foundation?
Take some time before your baby is born to consider three major areas:
Your Values - ‘What are your top three values?’
Your Boundaries - ‘Where do your boundaries lie, individually and as a couple?’
Your Fears - ‘What are you scared of/worried about?’
and that’s first individually and then discussing with your partner.
Top Tip
Explore your values, boundaries and fears individually first, and then share your answers with your partner. Ask questions of each other! Curiosity is the bridge to understanding and to finding the common ground between you and your partner in each of these three areas. Listen and be kind to each other.
Your values? Ask yourself ‘What are your top three values?’ By identifying what they are will help steer you back on course when things get really tough. As an expat, I imagine one of them may be opportunity, adventure, success or freedom. It’s important to talk to your partner to ensure you are both clear on what’s most important to you both and your family. Knowing your shared values allows you to approach decision making with clarity, even when you’re exhausted or stressed. Your shared values become your compass guiding you through parenting and beyond.
Your boundaries? ‘Where do your boundaries lie, individually and as a couple?’ Having clear boundaries helps to set the structure for your parenting life, keeping you both feeling safe and secure in your choices and future. When you feel safe, loved and secure, your children are more likely to feel that way too. An example of a boundary my husband and I set for our ongoing expat journey is not to move to a place where we need to learn a new language.
Your fears? ‘What are you scared of?’ Identifying your fears encourages you to seek out specific things that build trust and offer the opportunity to turn worries into connection and growth. For example, many new parents fear losing themselves in the postnatal period, when they are bombarded by constant change and identity shifts. Acknowledging your fears and sharing them allows others to ask “how can I help you with this?”
Pro-tip
Use this tool at any point in your relationship to make sure you are ‘in tune’. We all change over time, and it’s important to realize that as we grow, our values, boundaries and fears will most likely change too.
So, you have built a firm foundation: What next?
How about taking a look at how your lives will change once your baby arrives specifically in relation to your careers and how you might parent your child?
Let’s start with Careers
Many of us value our careers and have an idea of how our career will develop as we gain experience. Ideally we would like to continue on that trajectory once we have a family. But adding children into the mix changes priorities and the balance of our lives, disrupting our careers and potentially building resentment and frustration. Acknowledging the impact of parenthood on your career and thinking ahead strategically can reduce that resentment and frustration. It makes the impact on your careers a conscious process, giving you some control. Begin by discussing with your partner:
Who’s career will be prioritized once the kids come along?
Do you want to be the one to have priority?
Do you take turns prioritizing your careers?
Do you want to prioritize both of your careers?
This discussion is about setting expectations. It’s certainly not an easy conversation to have and encompasses many areas including location, finances, logistics…
Ok the big one: Parenting and more searching questions
What does parenting look like for you?
What did parenting look like for you growing up?
You can learn a lot about yourself and your partner through these questions. Seeing where there are commonalities or areas in which you may need to ask questions to understand their perspective.
Pro tip
Two people from the same culture won’t necessarily parent in the same way, so if you and your partner are from different cultures, keep this in mind. Ask questions to gain clarity. It’s ok if you parent differently, as long as you have the same values in mind. This is what makes us human and the world, beautiful.
Once you understand what parenting looks like as a partnership:
How do you both want to share the parenting load?
Does one of you want to be the lead parent? This means you take the bulk of the responsibility.
Do you want to take turns being lead parent?
Would co-parenting work for you both?
This can be incredibly tricky, as many of us do not want to emulate the parenting models that were modeled for us. But, going through this process empowers you to understand what parenting really looks like and means for you, which is both beautiful and terrifying.
So, rounding up…
You may ask, why so many questions? Although many of us grow up in environments in which independence is part of success, and as expats, embracing this new transition in our life begs for interdependence. Interdependence is the special sauce that makes this beautiful yet challenging time to be as successful as possible and that begins with questions, curiosity and understanding.
Having tough conversations and asking difficult questions of yourself and your partner may feel uncomfortable and not very sexy. Healthy and successful relationships are built on tough conversations and vulnerability. Additionally, not having these conversations magnifies the “mental load” of parenting and makes it an exhausting road to navigate, paving the path to parental burnout and nobody wants to experience that!
And finally…
There’s a huge amount of noise about how to parent from social media, your culture, big business, your family and your own expectations. It is hard to ignore that noise so be aware and be discerning and guard against it clouding your intuition. Much of that noise will not help you, so…
Be true to yourself, what you need and what’s best for your family.
Angela Vitiello
Founder and owner of the Expat Parenting Collective. She moved abroad in 2010, been an expat parent since 2018 and has lived in 4 countries on 3 different continents and traveled to almost 40 different countries. She's passionate about experiential learning, leadership development, intercultural communication, and deep dives into understanding more about who we are as humans. She's an alumna of INSEAD, a member of the European Mentoring & Coaching Council and an affiliate with the Institute of Coaching: McLean Harvard School of Medicine.
Website: www.expatparentingcollective.com
IG: www.instagram.com/expatparentingcollective
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/angela-vitiello-mba-ms-ed/
Our mission is to make your partnership feel easier and more in sync, helping you become the parent you've always wanted to be while raising extraordinary humans.
